We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just high enough for therapy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
