Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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