i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
