New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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