Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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