If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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