ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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