Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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