I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
