I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
