First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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