I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
