If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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