He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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