i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
