I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i've created a new STD.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
