I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
