i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
