Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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