Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
