i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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