so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize