My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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