So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
