so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
