hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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