i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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