new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
