So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize