you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
