I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
