I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
