remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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