she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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