Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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