how can u be prego again
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
