I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize