If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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