i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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