im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
