So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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