I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
