i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
