haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
