I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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