Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
