i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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