Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
