Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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