I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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