Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you win again, gameday.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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