If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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