Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
