wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
