I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
