I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
