...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
