I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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