I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
