Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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