Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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