Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize