If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
