I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
pray to the hookup gods
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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