I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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