Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize