I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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